Playing House
by BlaineOnMyParade
Summary: Sirius and James are left alone with baby Harry. This can't possibly turn out good.


"It's not happening," Sirius said, stepping back from the table with a look of utter disgust on his handsome face. "There is no _way_ I am going anywhere near that…that…_thing._ I did not sign on for this when I accepted the job." Shaking his head, he moved back further still until his legs bumped the window sill, which still wasn't far enough away to satisfy him.

James shot his best mate a look from behind his glasses, his eyes lowered into a glare, mouth set in a sharp line. "Just wait until I tell everyone what a chicken shit you are," he threatened, wrinkling his nose. "You'll never live it down."

With a snort, Sirius crossed his arms over his chest in a defiant gesture, shrugging his shoulders indifferently. "We both know that by 'everyone,' you really just mean Remus and Peter, and I highly doubt that either of them are going to take your side on the matter. You're just trying to fool me into doing your dirty work and there is no. Way. It's. Happening. No. It's just not. I will take the heat for you when Lily catches you coming home drunk off your arse. I will more then gladly cover you when you miss training. Hell, I will even take a wayward hex for you. But this is by far too much to ask."

"All right, Mister Self-Sacrificing, I get the point. I'll just…be a man, and do it myself. Can you lend me your gloves at least? I don't want to have to touch it, unless I have to." James took a deep breath, composing himself while Sirius fished around in his pocket for the gloves, which he produced and thrust at his friend with a distinct air of foreboding.

"Good luck," Sirius said solemnly, giving James a slight nod as means of support. "You can do it, I have faith."

Pulling on the gloves, a rather weary looking James turned back to the table, trying hard to keep his cool. "All right Harry," he whispered, licking his teeth as he reached for the clasp of the babies diaper, unfastening first one, and then the other. "Just lie still, and be a good boy, and nobody gets hurt."

Harry, in turn, cooed happily and flailed his chubby little legs, paying no attention to the two adult men who shirked away from him as the dirty diaper fell open, revealing the horrors within.

"Sweet Merlin," Sirius gagged, his eyes watering as he struggled to open the window in hopes of letting some fresh, breathable, air into the room. "What the hell have you been feeding that kid? Oh…oh...man, I think I'm gonna be sick. How does Lily do this?"

"I have no idea," was James's muffled reply, his face buried in his arm in an attempt to block out the offending odor. "I think he knows. Look at him. Smiling and babbling, waving his arms around like it's the best thing in the world."

Sirius blinked heavily, holding his nose between two fingers as he moved to stand beside his friend, peering over at the bare bottomed child and his rather impressive little gift. "There's just so much of it. I don't get it. It defies all logic….but all right. Let's get this over with. Two of us will get it done faster. Here. I'll throw away the old diaper, and you wipe it off," he said, handing James one of the scented wipes that Lily had instructed them to use.

Blanching, Sirius reached out and grabbed the offending article, all but hurtling it into the waste basket, breathing in deeply once it was gone from sight. James, on the other hand, was daintily wiping at the child's backside, taking great pains not to get to close.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Harry was successfully cleaned and powdered, and after much deliberation, re-diapered, and the pair stepped back to admire their work.

"Is it supposed to be all bunched up and saggy looking like that," Sirius asked, tickling Harry's stomach. "It doesn't look…normal or something."

"His butt is covered, and he's doody free. It's fine." James picked up his son, cradling the boy in his arms as he headed for the door. Looking over his shoulder, he gave Sirius a 'look', followed by a smirk. "Or maybe I just did a hack job so Lily would never ask us to do this again."


End file.
